When my college-aged son makes risky choices my stomach hurts, my mind races, and I can think of little else but what might happen to him. It feels like 100 pounds pressing on my chest.
I’m well aware of the huge difference between supporting my son, versus needing him to be okay so I can be okay. (The first is emotionally healthy; the second…not so much). His wellbeing now that he’s an adult is just not my business. Whatever he’s struggling with is not mine to carry: broken relationships, bad grades, misspent money, and poor health decisions.
But my son is doing a couple things that I think are really dangerous.
A couple weeks ago he told me on the phone about one of his terrible, no-good, super-bad choices (because he tells me too much, and on alternate weeks, nothing at all) and I was tense and panicked for days. And believe me, I’m tired of feeling this way.
I had an emergency session with my counselor. She taught me a relaxation exercise or 2 (moderately helpful). She helped me identify the part of me that is Terrified Mom and identify the role I no longer need to her to play (good reminder). They, she asked me I could apply the concept of “relative safety”. This shift in my thinking has been huge.
Safety seems like a black and white thing, right?
It turns out there’s a gray area. “Relative safety” means someone is safe enough, relative to what total safety might look like. It’s a mom’s mental compromise; a way to help us become comfortable-ish with the risks our kids are taking.
Yes, my counselor told me to actually lower the bar for safety in when faced with my son’s worst choices. It feels bad and yet logical at the same time.
The idea is to accept the risks above that new bar and intervene only if my son’s safety drops below it. So now I assess whether he is safe enough, name the things that would trigger an intervention, and then try to ignore the rest. My panic does much better with a plan. Now I have a threshold and I can use it to hold back until I really, truly need to intervene.
It also helps me be more present for him in the way I want to be: as a witness to his growth and a loving, present support no matter what.
What does this look like?
I'm seeing parents navigate their kids' awful choices every day, at times in this new way. What used to look like ignoring bad things or accepting the unacceptable to me now looks like wisdom and restraint with this new lens.
Two of my friends have accepted the fact that their adult sons smoke weed nearly every day. The kids are earning money, have healthy friendships, and help out around the house. My friends have set boundaries like no smoking in the house, but they are keeping themselves from freaking out and doing anything until something significant slips. Getting fired for being stoned at work might not mean intervention, but hanging out in the basement without a job for 3 months might.
In another family, their 20-year-old adult daughter wanted to drive her car all around the U.S. camping for a summer alone. We’d ALL have some reservations about that. They didn’t stop her; they bought her a kit so she could sleep in her car with locked doors and set up some check-in points with family and friends across the U.S. She did have some scary moments like when a man knocked repeatedly on her car window at midnight, but she came home ok and with no further dreams of wanderlust.
In a third family, their daughter put $20,000 of her savings into crypto. But she has no credit card debt, has 2 months of expenses in a separate account, and the money she’s gambling with is money she earned. My friends did once mention a Roth would have been a more solid choice but otherwise keep their opinions to themselves.
And with us, when we heard my son bought a $10k crotch rocket but didn’t insure it or register it because the seller never sent the title, I gave him 2 months to work it out himself. (He was riding it every day, which feels like significant risk.) Then I intervened because I believe the seller did not take my young adult son seriously. We helped him send a legal letter to get the guy to take action immediately. Whether my son titles and insures his bike is up to him, and I will have to decide based on his choices what I will and won't do at that time.
Then, when he told me he was shooting grey market peptides to help with bodybuilding, I looked up the company selling them and determined it was ‘relatively’ a safe one. Yes, the risk is real, but it’s low enough. There’s no action I would take right now, but he knows I am not happy about it. My tripwires: scary side effects, a jump to stacking multiple compounds, or anything sourced from a frat boy’s trunk (not unrealistic, believe me). If these things happen, my husband and I will be making the 5-hr drive to his apartment.
My son also has an eating and exercise disorder which causes an extra layer of panic to all the above. I moved to Denver 6 years ago for 3 months of treatment and then it was all hands on deck for the next year while he fought his way back from that. I’m terrified of a relapse and yet here’s the rub: I have to just listen to him talking about food and nutrition and fitness and keep my mouth shut. Is there risk in his obsession with fitness because of his history? Yes. But I can admit that he’s not in danger right now. His behavior is imperfect and concerning at times, but he is relatively safe. He’s much safer than he used to be, he’s come a LONG way, and I can be very proud of that.
(And at the same time, I've got all the power of attorney documents in place!)
Redefining safety isn’t condoning
None of us are disregarding scary choices. None of us are giving up. We are stepping back, calming down (breathing, walking), assessing our kid’s choices and making decisions about whether and how we’re going to act. Five years ago, I would have freaked out more, acted much sooner, or taken much more drastic action than I now will. Maybe I’ve been beaten into submission and maybe I’m wiser or just sick of feeling so…sick.
I know plenty of people who would yank credit cards, stop paying tuition, or take away the car or some other “privilege”. And yet if you do that to an adult they feel an inch tall. I don’t want my son to think I don’t trust, respect, or value him. If he feels that way he is less likely to ask for help when he does actually need me. I want to give my son the space to make mistakes and be a safe landing for him when his mistakes are serious.
Terrible decisions are normal 20-year-old behavior. Facts. But is he keeping the functional structure of his life intact? Yes, he is. He gets to class. He’s cooking for himself. He’s maintaining relationships with his roommate, a girlfriend, and a handful of kids he seems to really enjoy. He’s holding down a job he likes.
Now, every time he makes a choice that scares me, I get to ask myself: is this just a bad idea with some risk, or is he putting himself in real danger? Most of the time, it’s just a deeply shitty idea. Truly terrible things haven't happened yet and I need to stop predicting that they will.
But here’s my internal dialogue:
“I need you to be safe so I can breathe. Nothing is more important to me than you. Yet you make some very stupid high-risk decisions and defend behavior that could very well hurt you, badly, and that terrifies me. I know that if I intervene while you are finding your way that you will put distance between us. Then you won’t come to me when you really do need help. Maintaining our relationship is more important than unleashing my panic on you. And if you seriously fuck yourself up or come close to it, I will do whatever it takes to help you be safe again.”
But that’s just between you and me.
What my son hears is a mom who tells a story about grandma, asks a question or two about what he's up to, and says, “so glad you called, love you, talk soon”, and then goes for a walk, breathing and trying to tap into my belief that things will (probably) be ok.
Recommendation and resource
I've found this podcaster and parenting coach, Jennifer Collins, and her perspective is wise, grounded, and insightful. If you're in the same boat as me, watching your kid made scary decisions and wondering what to do, try this one on the Mindset Traps of Parenting—the things that keep us stuck in anxiety, overthinking, control and fear. I've signed up for her 10-week cohort with 8 other moms and I'll let you all know how it goes.
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